I once was lost, but now I'm found

As I sit today at my temporary office inside a local church, I can hear infants crying (church has daycare center). 

It makes me miss my babies. 

I text Mary (beyond awesome caregiver to my kids) and ask how kids are - because I miss them and in this moment of hearing babies cry and sitting alone in a big (freezing cold) room, I question so many things.

And then I get these:

I cry, send mushy texts back for Mary to read to the kids and I ask God,

"Are you sure I am doing what I am supposed to be doing?" 

"Why have you created me the way that I am with the desires I have?"

 

As I struggled to gain my footing emotionally, I had the thought, I once was lost, but now I am found.

"But God, how can I be found when one minute I feel confident and sure in Your plan and my steps and the next I am fearful, unsure and feel like I have completely missed the boat.  Aren't I the textbook definition of one who is lost?"

/lɔst, lɒst/ Show Spelled

lost:

-having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction, etc.

-not used to good purpose, as opportunities, time, or labor; wasted

-being something that someone has failed to win

I look at those definitions (courtesy of dictionary.com) and I think, "yep, that's me."  But God says differently.  He says,

“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?  And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders  and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’  Luke 15:4-6

/faɪnd/ Show Spelled

find/found: 

-to locate, attain, or obtain by search or effort

-to locate or recover (something lost or misplaced)

-to discover or perceive after consideration

-to gain or regain the use of

-equipped, outfitted, or furnished

I am not a theologian (not a surprise to many of you), but this is how I felt God spoke to me through this.  When I was lost, (astray; missing the way; bewildered as to place, direction; not used to good purpose), God came after me and searched until He FOUND (located, attained, obtained by search, effort; recovered; discovered or perceived at consideration; gained or regained use of; equipped, outfitted, furnished) ME.

I may still feel bewildered, astray and not used to good purpose, but God sees me as a discovered, equipped, furnished child that He rejoices over and shows off to His friends.

Wow.  I get choked up typing that. 

God is so good and loving and I am overwhelmed with Him and his love and presence, even here in this big empty (still freezing) temporary office.





Out of the mouths of babes

I was raised in a Christian home where my parents showed their faith in very obvious ways like taking us to church, praying before a meal, saying prayers with us kids before bed, etc. 

But they also gave examples of their faith in less obvious ways.  I remember waking up too early some mornings and hearing my parents praying together.  I remember my dad telling a story about how he got upset with someone at work and had to go back and apologize. 

I remember the year we went to public school for the 1st time (otherwise K-8th was at a christian school) and my mom would do devotions with my sister and I each morning before school.  Now these were not the most spiritual times for a 9 and 11 year old - my mom had a habit of falling asleep while praying.  You see she had just gotten off of a 12 hour night shift.  My sister and I would be as quiet as we could be as my mom started to pray and soon she would be dozing off. . . .we off course being the mature girls we were, would hold in our laughter for about. . . . . 30 seconds.  Then we would wake up my mom, who would smile, laugh and say, "Oh did I fall asleep again?!" and we would start prayers over.

Most of all I remember prayer being something that was a regular, normal, everyday part of our lives as kids.  My parents would pray for us when we were hurt (physically or emotionally), they would pray for us for an upcoming test or sporting event.  We would pray in the car (eyes open of course!), we would pray at home, at school, etc.  And no we were not those weird Christians. . . my parents were (and are) just very sincere in their faith and their belief in God who hears and answers prayer. 

This legacy is one I hope to pass on to our kids.  We pray with the kids each night and are getting better at remembering to pray at meals - which Isaac loves because we sing "Johnny Apple Seed" as loud as possible and he is so sincere and earnest in this prayer. 

I have also started praying for the kids whenever they get an owie or say something hurts.  I keep it simple.  Isaac says, "My head hurts." I say, "Should Mommy pray for you?"  He says, "Yes." I then pray something to the effect of, "Dear Jesus, I pray for Isaac's head that it wouldn't hurt anymore.  I pray that You would heal him and he would have a wonderful day.  In Jesus' name, Amen." 

I keep it simple for a few reasons.  One, I am not an eloquent person - I say what I mean or at least try to and usually it comes out sounding pretty, well, simple.  Just my nature.  Secondly, I want Isaac and Piper to know that they can talk to Jesus whenever, wherever, and they can talk to Him like they talk to a friend or Mommy & Daddy.

The other night, I was not feeling the best - my back among other things really hurt.  In the past when Isaac hears that my back hurts he comes over and rubs it till I say it feels better (melt my heart).  But the other night when I told him my back hurt, he started to pray for me.  It sounded something like this:

"Dear Jesus, asdfkjksdjf Mommy's back aklsdjfkj have good akjdasdjkf better, Jesus name AMEN!" 

I have never heard or been as blessed by a prayer in my entire life. 

So many thoughts

Life and Death

I have been reading so many blogs lately on people who are struggling with such huge tragedies in their lives. . .infant loss, cancer, premie babies, infertility, sick children. . . . and yet in almost everyone that I have read, God has been given the glory. . . . people are not saying hey I am fine with this circumstance, but they are saying, I hate this, but I love and trust God through it. . .. I think that is overwhelming and powerful and makes my life of little sleep seem downright pathetic.  I pray that I have the grace and faith these ladies have as I walk through the good and bad in life.

The humor, honesty and faith behind each person as they tell their story in their own words is so incredible.  Are they hard to read?  Yes.  Does they make you cry?  Yes.  Do you have a greater appreciation for your kids, your life, your spouse, your health, your God? YES YES YES!  These people have an enormous ministry as they share their journeys of grief, hope, life and death.

I think of my own life. . . . I have truly been blessed beyond measure.  I have a wonderful husband, 2 healthy, beautiful children, a crazy dog, a house, a good job, great family and a God who is gracious and merciful and loves me in spite of me.

One blogger wrote as she watched her 2 week old son struggle to live, (paraphrased) "I would give anything to have sleepless nights, just to be able to hold my son and have him not hurt". . . . wow-that hit me hard since me chief complaint in life lately is that I get so little sleep.  I realized how selfish I can be in my attitude about life and how I think everything revolves around me.  Not a fun thing to admit. . . very humiliating actually.  There are so many people who would give anything to just have a healthy baby at home-who cares about sleep!

So, my resolution is to really cherish the life that I have. . .the good and the bad.  I want to have the faith that I see in those around me who are going through such awful circumstances. . . I want to involve God in my life on a more daily basis.