Tuesday, August 31, 2010

It is what it is. . . or is it?

I often times find myself wallowing self-pity.  I tend to look at myself and life at times through I Wish glasses. . . . I wish I didn't have my post baby body; I wish I had discipline to eat right & exercise to get rid of my post baby body; I wish I was more organized; I wish I didn't have these weird little red dots at random places on my body; I wish I was a little taller (not sure why, I just do); I wish I could write more; I wish I could sing better;  I think you get my point. . . . .  it seems that no matter what happens, good, bad or wonderful, I still have the thought of I wish ____.

Example:  We have an absolutely wonderful daycare provider for our kids.  Mary is so dedicated to caring for kids.  She has been doing daycare for 23 years-it truly is a calling for her, not just a 'pasttime'.  Mary emails me pictures of the kids a couple times a week and sends me at least one text per day if not many more with pictures included!  She prays for our kids, teaches them life lessons and allows them to just be kids.  I don't know if I could do a better job at what she does (and I really say that in a non-demeaning way towards myself)-she is just so gifted with kids.  Soooooo, today I get a few texts from her and I am quoting them because she is just so funny and unique.

Sonny (her name sometimes for Isaac) pooped in pot.  Piper ate cheese, plum slivers, bits of PNB sandwich.
Tell Mark that Piper made it over that board she took a header on.  This time she caught herself with hands and hand-walked til her legs made it!
So, Piper goes on knees, and 'walks' on them, grinning ear 2 ear. she puts a rigid tool belt on her arm, and twirls it like a hula hoop.  funny baby!
Sleepin now, little butt stickin up. She yawned, rubbed her eyes, and came over for a snuggle after the funny stuff, dear heart. . .
I texted back after this one that it made me teary eyed hearing that.

Me too.  I am blessed.
What is the point of all this you ask?  Why would those texts have anything to do with the I Wish glasses?  I started thinking. . ."I wish I was there to see all of these fun things happening. . . . . I wish I could stay home with our kids. . . . . . . . I wish I was a better mother. . . . ."  See where this leads?????

I was really getting myself down and out and even tearing up about it (yes at work), but then something hit me.  Why can't/don't I look at this day and these events in a positive light?  Why is not my first thought "We are so fortunate to have someone watching the kids that loves them and cares for them. . . . we are so blessed to have Mary who involves us as much as possible in the day to day activities of our kids lives. . . . we have the best daycare provider ever. . . . "

Now that does not mean all pangs of guilt and self-pity and frustration and yes jealousy are gone, but it definitely is getting me out of myself and more to what is important and what is reality. 

I love my kids.  I try to be the best mom I can be to them and yet I know I have and will fail them.  Beating myself up about mothering does nothing.  Learning and loving and seeking God in how to change does everything.

"Be the mom you are, not the mom others say you should be!" -quote from adoptive mother in recent All God's Children International newsletter


Amber said...

Great quote Christy! We could all use that reminder at times.

Alyssa Aarhaus said...

Oh man, I totally play the "I wish" game and you're right. It gets you NOWHERE fast. I try to remind myself that motherhood doesn't equal guilt unless I let it. I can choose joy over envy... a lesson I tell myself just about every minute :)
Your sitter sounds amazing! What fun for your kiddos. Great post!