It is what it is. . . or is it?

I often times find myself wallowing self-pity.  I tend to look at myself and life at times through I Wish glasses. . . . I wish I didn't have my post baby body; I wish I had discipline to eat right & exercise to get rid of my post baby body; I wish I was more organized; I wish I didn't have these weird little red dots at random places on my body; I wish I was a little taller (not sure why, I just do); I wish I could write more; I wish I could sing better;  I think you get my point. . . . .  it seems that no matter what happens, good, bad or wonderful, I still have the thought of I wish ____.

Example:  We have an absolutely wonderful daycare provider for our kids.  Mary is so dedicated to caring for kids.  She has been doing daycare for 23 years-it truly is a calling for her, not just a 'pasttime'.  Mary emails me pictures of the kids a couple times a week and sends me at least one text per day if not many more with pictures included!  She prays for our kids, teaches them life lessons and allows them to just be kids.  I don't know if I could do a better job at what she does (and I really say that in a non-demeaning way towards myself)-she is just so gifted with kids.  Soooooo, today I get a few texts from her and I am quoting them because she is just so funny and unique.

Sonny (her name sometimes for Isaac) pooped in pot.  Piper ate cheese, plum slivers, bits of PNB sandwich.

Tell Mark that Piper made it over that board she took a header on.  This time she caught herself with hands and hand-walked til her legs made it!

So, Piper goes on knees, and 'walks' on them, grinning ear 2 ear. she puts a rigid tool belt on her arm, and twirls it like a hula hoop.  funny baby!

Sleepin now, little butt stickin up. She yawned, rubbed her eyes, and came over for a snuggle after the funny stuff, dear heart. . .

I texted back after this one that it made me teary eyed hearing that.

Me too.  I am blessed.

What is the point of all this you ask?  Why would those texts have anything to do with the I Wish glasses?  I started thinking. . ."I wish I was there to see all of these fun things happening. . . . . I wish I could stay home with our kids. . . . . . . . I wish I was a better mother. . . . ."  See where this leads?????

I was really getting myself down and out and even tearing up about it (yes at work), but then something hit me.  Why can't/don't I look at this day and these events in a positive light?  Why is not my first thought "We are so fortunate to have someone watching the kids that loves them and cares for them. . . . we are so blessed to have Mary who involves us as much as possible in the day to day activities of our kids lives. . . . we have the best daycare provider ever. . . . "

Now that does not mean all pangs of guilt and self-pity and frustration and yes jealousy are gone, but it definitely is getting me out of myself and more to what is important and what is reality. 

I love my kids.  I try to be the best mom I can be to them and yet I know I have and will fail them.  Beating myself up about mothering does nothing.  Learning and loving and seeking God in how to change does everything.

"Be the mom you are, not the mom others say you should be!" -quote from adoptive mother in recent All God's Children International newsletter

Where's Christy?

I am here-just busy.  Seems my intentions to 'blog' every night have fallen by the wayside. . . it is not that I don't think about it.  I really do.  It is just that I am either on my way to bed, in bed, or too dang crabby to post anything I won't regret at a later date!  Yes, I am sure you are all tired of hearing me complain talk about our kids and their lack of sleep and therefore our lack of sleep.  Well, we (Mark & I in case you were confused) turned into mean parents in the last couple weeks. 

The turning point was Isaac waking up 7 times. . . . um, yeah, he is 2. . . .what the heck!?!?!?!?!  And Piper was getting up twice. . . once for a blessed 20 minutes and once for an hour. . . or more. . . not such a blessed time anymore. 

So, we cut Piper off from the bottle gradually by giving her water in it. . . she drank it the first night. . . took a few sips the next and refused it after that.  By day 5 she was sleeping through the night.  We have now had 2 nights of Piper sleeping through the night!!!!!!! 

Isaac, our dear boy.  Well, we had a little talk with him before bed one night and told him if he got out of bed at night, he would get a spanking.  Yes, we went there. . . .we do not use spankings very often as a form of discipline.  We usually do 1 2 3 time out. . . .but, Isaac knows that spankings mean business (usually. . .the other times he just laughs and asks for a spanking. . . and yes, it is just as infuriating as it sounds).  So, to bed he went and when he woke up at 2am, I went in and gave him a light 'reminder' swat and told him to get back in bed and stay there or he would get another spanking (Mark and I had talked that the 1st spanking would be more of a reminder and after that we would be more firm).  Well, something connected in his little brain because he stayed in bed and did not get out until morning.  Whoo Hoo!  He has gone between waking once or twice a night since then, so we still have some work to do, but he is getting better.  He gets excited when he can say he "me sleep through night". . . so we are thinking of creating a rewards chart for sleeping and potty (oh yes, we are there too). 

All in all though Mark and I feel like we are returning to the land of the living. . . the land that doesn't need to go to bed at 9pm in order to get a few hours of sleep before the nightmare of kids waking up all the time!! 

I hope to get back to blogging at least every other night, but we will see.  I have so much to say and hopefully people will want to read it!  If not. . . at least I still get to say it!

One final note:  for those of you who have kids who have slept through the night from 6 weeks (or earlier). . . I am working to not be insanely jealous and somewhat resentful. . . . just kidding. . . kind of. . . :).  For those of you with kids who are like ours who just love us so much they can't bear to be apart for more than 3 hours at a time (yes this is the lie I tell myself when I feel like I stink as a parent in the area of sleep), we feel your pain. . . we know that it gets better and then worse, then a lot better and then so bad that you want to claw your eyes out becuase they burn from lack of sleep.  We are in the battle with you!! 

A little of this, a little of that

I don't know what to write about today, but then I realized hey, this is my blog that is for me first and foremost and I love to write, so who cares if I make any sense?

Forgive the randomness of the following entries and they are not in chronological order, but this is what has been on my mind lately.

Thought 1:
I found out that a former co-worker was just diagnosed with terminal cancer-it is in her lungs, liver and brain.  She found out about 3 weeks ago and hospice care has come in to assist her.  She has one son who is in his 20s and a brother, but that is about it for family (that I am aware of).  She is a very independant, strong (to a fault maybe) woman who loves her son.  I cannot imagine finding out one day that you have maybe a couple months to live.  How does your brain process this?  I don't know where she is at in her beliefs, but I get the impression she is not a christian.  I have been specifically praying for the Holy Spirit to move in her heart and if she has not already that she make a comittment to Christ. . . it is never too late.  I think back to when I worked with her and wonder if I missed opportunities to share with her.  But then I think that God loves her more than I could ever imagine and even if I "missed" my chance, it is not I who do the saving.

Thought B:
I have discovered that I am afraid to be alone with our kids.  Wow, hard for me to admit that, but it is true to some degree.  Mark has had some side work going on the last couple weekends and this project and others will keep his weekends tied up for a while.  It dawned on me the other day why I get so uptight before the weekend.  The amount of energy, planning, patience, did I say energy that are needed for me to have this awesome quality time with my kids is overwhelming for me and kind of freaks me out.  I feel like I need to make the time we have on the weekends super fun and meaningful (yes I realize my kids are 2 and 10 months) since I am away from them for 40 hours/week.  It has reminded me of an article I read a long time ago about a divorced dad who every weekend had this big huge outing planned for his kids. . . he wanted their time together to be special and show them that he loved them.  One day after months and months of the zoo, picnics, Chuck E Cheese, horseback riding, movies, carnivals, etc., one child said, "Dad, can we just stay home?"  The father wondered if he did something wrong, if the kids didn't like being with him and so he asked just that.  The child responded, "No we love being with you, but Dad you don't need to entertain us all the time, just be with us."  Lightbulb moment for me. . . . so this weekend, I am just going to go with the flow and just hang out with my kids.

Thought 3:
Isaac started swimming lessons tonight. . . .oh my what a little cutie!  He was so excited and he did so well.  Since he is only 2, Mark was with him and I think Mark had just as much fun as Isaac.  Piper and I watched and sweated to death as it is an indoor pool with 150% humidity.  I stripped off Pipers' bottoms early on and wished I could do the same for me!!!

Isaac and Mark getting ready to go swimming!

Isaac so proud that he was 'standing' in the pool (they have a platform that is in the water so the little kiddies can stand).

I know this is not the greatest picture, but I was trying to catch Isaac's delighted face-Mark's too!  But, my photography skills are lacking, so this picture is what you get instead.

"Seriously Mommy, why am I sweating to death out here when there is a nice refreshing pool 20 feet away?"

(And yes, I gave in and gave her a nuk because she was hot and tired, I was hot and tired and really she is still a baby-so there)

Thought C4:

It is such a joy to watch the kids discover and like new things.  We bought some new tupperware the other day and I took it out of the box and let Piper play with it for a while before I washed and put it away (ok, so it is washed but not put away yet).  You would have thought we bought her FAO Schwartz (I may have mispelled that but you get the point).  She LOVED it. . . . she sat and played with those tupperware containers for a good 15 minutes and would have continued has it not been bedtime and mean mom came over and ruined her fun.  Note to self:  buy kids household items for toys. . . they are much cheaper and they like them so much better!  Christmas list:  plastic serving spoon, check; tupperware, check; toilet paper, check check!

And now a moment to show random pictures of the kids. . . just because I can!

"Mom, don't interrupt. . . we're playing!"

Yes I realize she is wearing the same shirt as the pool picture, but hey I love the shirt!  Look at that smile!!!  Ah-LOVE it!

Much to the delight of his father, Isaac has decided he likes to wear my shoes. . .the ones with heels.

And one final question-does anyone know how to load pictures faster?!?!?  It took me WAY too long to put these pics up.

Quotes. . . oh how I love them

I love quotes. . . .I love the famous ones, the odd ones, the ones that are jokes between friends, movie quotes-I think you get the picture. 

At an old job, I used to have a quote of the week underneath my signature. . . . yeah, I know. . . .call me a dork.

It was my mission each week to find the best quotes to remind myself and others of the fun, good, amazing things in life.  Of course now, I have no time to search for quotes, but when a good one falls in my lap. . . ah, it's like Christmas.

I had a good friend in college who kept a quote book. . .still does to this day and she would write down the things we (her friends) would say.  I mean, the funny, the dumb, the insightful and profound. . .(ok so they were more along the funny/dumb line, but occaisionally we would be intelligent).  It was so fun to look back on what we said and remember the times we had together.

I have also come across some quotes recently that have really made me pause and think about life (I won't get too deep).  I wanted to share two of those.

"Happiness in unpredictable, the key is to be content." 
I think my sister in law Lorrie said this, but I will have to verify.  At first when I read it I thought, hmm, well why can't I want happiness all the time?  But then I got to thinking and it hit me that I am not happy all the time in my life right now. . . I get frustrated at work and the fact that I have to work somedays, I wish for our kids to be older so we could do more things and yet I am sad at how fast they are growing and how much I feel I am missing.  But honestly, I am content. . . really I am.  I know that life is always changing and I am thankful for that fact (which has been a hard lesson for me to learn, but that is another story) and I have realized that there is a time and place for everything and I am able to rest in that and be content.  That quote is a great reminder on the days I feel myself sliding.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."
--Washington Irving
A long lost high school friend has this posted on her wall-her younger brother was killed in May in a motorcycle accident.  I have not found a quote in a long time that moves me quite like this one.  I think every single person in life can relate to this.  We have all known pain and tragedy (some far more than others) and we have all experienced love. . . .and at least for me, I have always felt a little ashamed/embarassed by my tears.  I am a crier. . . I have cried at a Cheerios commercial before and I sobbed through my best friend's wedding.  I cry when I am tired or scared and I cry when others cry (it's like a sneeze-very catching).  This quote made me realize there is purpose in my tears.  That purpose is just for me, but it is so healing and cleansing for me to cry (yes even at Cheerios commercials) and now I see powerful too.  So, break out the Kleenex, I am not going to even atttempt to hold back anymore.

What are some of your favorite quotes?

P.S.  Please pray tonight for the moms and dads who have suffered an infant loss and/or infertility.  This is so heavy on my heart lately.  I cannot imagine the pain.  It seems to be a pain that is not acknowledged in the way that it should or could be.  If you know someone personally dealing with this, send them a card or call them to let them know that you care.

So many thoughts

Life and Death

I have been reading so many blogs lately on people who are struggling with such huge tragedies in their lives. . .infant loss, cancer, premie babies, infertility, sick children. . . . and yet in almost everyone that I have read, God has been given the glory. . . . people are not saying hey I am fine with this circumstance, but they are saying, I hate this, but I love and trust God through it. . .. I think that is overwhelming and powerful and makes my life of little sleep seem downright pathetic.  I pray that I have the grace and faith these ladies have as I walk through the good and bad in life.

The humor, honesty and faith behind each person as they tell their story in their own words is so incredible.  Are they hard to read?  Yes.  Does they make you cry?  Yes.  Do you have a greater appreciation for your kids, your life, your spouse, your health, your God? YES YES YES!  These people have an enormous ministry as they share their journeys of grief, hope, life and death.

I think of my own life. . . . I have truly been blessed beyond measure.  I have a wonderful husband, 2 healthy, beautiful children, a crazy dog, a house, a good job, great family and a God who is gracious and merciful and loves me in spite of me.

One blogger wrote as she watched her 2 week old son struggle to live, (paraphrased) "I would give anything to have sleepless nights, just to be able to hold my son and have him not hurt". . . . wow-that hit me hard since me chief complaint in life lately is that I get so little sleep.  I realized how selfish I can be in my attitude about life and how I think everything revolves around me.  Not a fun thing to admit. . . very humiliating actually.  There are so many people who would give anything to just have a healthy baby at home-who cares about sleep!

So, my resolution is to really cherish the life that I have. . .the good and the bad.  I want to have the faith that I see in those around me who are going through such awful circumstances. . . I want to involve God in my life on a more daily basis. 

Random thoughts

It has been a while since I have written.  No reason other than our crazy life took over for a while!  We went to the lake with my parents, brother and his boys over the 4th of July weekend and we had a blast!  It still takes me a while to get my brain used to the idea that now with children vacation does not equal relaxation, it means a HECK of a lot more work.  But, that being said, we still had lots of fun (my attitude was a big part of this, I think).

Honestly I would love to post some pics and tell you more about it, but I am so bone tired it is scary.  Parents, do you ever get frustrated by how tired you get just in the course of your everyday life with kids, work, house, etc.?  I hate it!!  I mean, I love spending time with my kids and we make it a priority to spend as much time as we can with them once we get home from work. . . but, whew!  I am tired by the time the kiddos are sleeping I have little to no energy to do much of anything.  I started running last week because looking 4 months pregnant all the time is not a good look. . . . and I am not exaggerating about that.  A guy stopped in my office a few months ago and I had not seen him in a while and he came in and said, "Oh, your expecting another baby?"  I said (as nicely as I could without crying), "Nope, I had her already, she is 5 months old. . . . ."  Of course he felt bad, but um, yeah . . . .I felt worse.  But it still took me another 4 months to really do anything about it other than feel sorry for myself!  I say all that to say, what energy I do have in the evenings I have been trying to devote to running.

I love reading other blogs and it was so fun to day to read what everyone did over the 4th and all the cute ways they decorated their house, food, car, bike, etc.  I read blogs like that and think, "Man, I wish I could be like that. . . all creative and the type to plan ahead and not at the last minute think CRAP I need to bring potato salad so let's run by Hornbacher's and get some on the way to the lake!"  But I am also learning (some days better than others) that I cannot compare myself to others in anyway.  I am a unique person and being myself is hard enough some days without the added pressure to be like everyone else too.  Do other moms ever feel that way?  Do we intentionally try to make ourselves look like supermom when inside we are really just one step away from being 'that lady' that everyone whispers about?  I have yet to hear a mom honestly say that she has 12 loads of laundry to do, dishes overflowing in her sink and toys everywhere in the house.  Oh and dinner. . .it's mac and cheese again. . .for the 3rd time that week.  I am guilty too. . . . I so often try to act like I am a much more put together mom than I actually am.  I am still learning this art of being a parent and some days feel like the learning curve is too high.

One final thought. . . . my 2 year old wipes his mouth off every time I give him a kiss.  I thought that wasn't supposed to happen until grade school?!?!?!?

Wonderful, amazing

So this is the part where I get to brag about my kids.  I completely understand if you want to stop reading right now. 

The last couple weeks, Isaac has just been amazing us with how big and 'grown up' he is getting.  his list of accomplishments are as follows (and again, I understand if you need to stop reading now-parental bragging is usually nauseating to everyone but parents and grandparents):

1)  Starting to speak more regularly in sentences-and not just repeating what we say.  The other day he held up a toy that he has not played with in a long time, but he used to play with it ALL THE TIME and Isaac picked it up and said, "Remember this Mommy, Remember this toy?". . . . um. . . okay, I do remember it, but how do you. . . and where did you learn to talk???

2)  Can hang from just about anything.  This is thanks to Mary (daycare) because she has this wonderful swing set and it has a bar swing (not sure if that is the right term, but I think you get the picture) and he stand on this little chair, grabs the bar and 'jumps' off the chair and hangs/swings. . . .so now at the park the bars are a close second behind swinging!!  Maybe this isn't that amazing to everyone else, but in my minds eye, Isaac is 6 months and still my baby!!

3)  Isaac is starting to sing songs on his own, totally out of the blue.  On any given day at any given moment, he will be singing Jesus Loves Me, Do Your Ears Hang Low, Twinkle Twinkle, and Have Patience - and sometimes they are all mixed together!!  It is the most adorable thing and I am amazed at his ability to remember songs. . . . well, Jesus Loves Me he should know forward and backwards since we have sang (sung?) it to him thousands of times since he was born!!!  But the others. . . wow!!!

Okay, I could continue, but I will stop for now. . . . . oh one more thing, lest you think I have forgotten my sweet daughter.

Her talent is being the cutest little girl ever!!  Look at those lips!!  Her go to expression now is to tuck her lips in. . . . LOVE IT!!