Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Being Off and On

Kelle at her beautiful blog enjoying the small things and her post from yesterday On and Off got me thinking about being "on and off" and what that means to me.

Lately I have been feeling a desire to do more.  More what?  I don't know exactly. 

Do I have some idea?  Yes.  Am I ready to share all that?  No.

I do know that I have been feeling on and off at the same times it seems.  Let me try to explain. 

I feel as if I have all these desires, passions, ideas in my head.  I feel as though I get inspired with everything around me.  I feel as though I am learning to be more intentional with my kids.  I emphasize learning because truthfully it does not come natural for me.  There are some parts of mothering that come natural for me and others that do not.  Being intentional and present in the moment of reading the same book 500 times or singing along with the same Signing Time DVD over and over and over, etc. - that does not come natural to me.
*Side note:  Huge weight lifted in being able to admit that somewhere other than in my brain.

The off part comes from feeling like due to certain parts of my life that need my attention and time, I cannot pursue the other parts of my life that I want to give my time and attention.  I read about people who seem to do it all; work outside the home, have kids (and do a great job raising them it seems), have hobbies/passions, have healthy marriages, time to workout, don't wear the same 5 outfits week in and week out and I wonder how on earth they do it.  I know the saying that women are great at multi-tasking, but I must have missed out on the multi-tasking mother gene.  I do not feel like I can give 100% to my kids and 100% to my husband and 100% to me.  Actually I know that I can't.

My kids are my first priority and passion.  I know at times I may make it seem like they are all work and no fun.  Forgive me for that impression.  My kids bring me more joy and peace and delight than I would have ever thought.  Really, they are amazing little people that I look at and wonder what I did to deserve such blessings.  And then I remember I did nothing - God did everything. 

By making the choice to have kids and to be present and intentional in their lives, I have chosen to lay other things aside in my life.  And I am happy with that choice - thrilled as a matter of fact. 

But why then, do I have all of these feelings, thoughts, desires pulling at me?  I have a feeling of being "off" and yet I am at the same time feeling more "on" in my life than I have in a long time.  I feel as though I am making important strides in overcoming fear, in being a better parent, having better communication and relationship with Mark, etc.

In reading all of this just now, I realize it is somewhat garbled and disconnected, but it is also what I feel and I don't want to edit myself for the sake of good writing - so please bear with me.

All in all, I am again trying to rest in the process of life and find delight in this time.  I know that God has a plan and purpose for everything under the sun.

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